Well, Robbie actually texted me today after all.  He wasn't very talkative but what do I expect, he is a Capricorn and they tend to be slighty distant anyways.  As you can see I am a pretty avid believer on the zodiac and tarot thing. LOL.  I tend to listen to that stuff and after I did that last reading I posted, I finally got the balls to call Robbie.  Well, go figure he did not answer, he is either ignoring me, (no probably not-I need to stop thinking that way) OMG LOL he just called me.  We are trying to discuss things and it seems everytime I talk to him, I start think what the hell were we fighting for there is no reason for this.  He seems so sincere and everything.  Maybe I should just let go of my self-doubt and realize that yes I am a good person and I do deserve a good man, not all men out there are lying, cheating, bastards.  I truly believe my sister is bringing out the worse in me.  She makes me doubt things that I really shouldn't.  I know for a fact she is jealous of me for she has told me.  She is an Aries also, and we are very jealous people.  When I get jealous I get resentful and try to hurt people and ruin things for them.  Maybe that is what she does too.  That is why I fight one hell of a battle not to get jealous.  But, she is my sister and I would not do that to her, why would she do it to me?  I have gone out without her a total of maybe three times the rest of the time I am here with her watching her chat with people on the internet.  Come on I need a life too.  And then tonite she was like Oh your gonna go out with Robbie tomorrow and leave me in my time of need.  Shit I cook, clean, do laundry, watch the girls, and all that to pass the time while she just sits at the puter.  This journal is the only thing that is going to keep me sane I think.  Taluck is here for me at least tonite.  He let me go off at him for awhile, at first I thought he would tell my sister but he says he won't (he is her friend first). I believe him.  He asked if I wanted him to talk to her but I think it would probably just upset her more.  I can't be caged in this house like an animal if she wants to get mad when I go out and hurt me by saying stuff like that, then so be it, I hope she will get over it shortly.  Well, anyways, I talked to my friend Ryan from back home tonite (while talking to him my sister got bummed and all quiet and went to bed shortly after) it was good to talk to him.   We used to date and he is such an awesome guy.  He looks a lot like VinDiesel.  I really think it could of worked between us but the last time we dated I wasn't quiet over my ex-fiancee and I ended up being a jackass and going back to him.  Ryan was a sweetheart he would never hurt me.  I will always love him, and he says he will always love me.  He talks about how we are going to get together in a few years and try things again.  If that happens I will have to be in a mood to be totally committed to one man, because it WILL work between us and we would be extremely happy together.  He has a lot going for him, a good job which he is highly dedicated to, a great family, sensitive, I could go on forever.  Only thing is he does powders  off and on again lately.  That is a big thing to me now a days.  I was addicted to meth a year ago and it was/is a hard battle to overcome.  That is one of my biggest accomplishments as a matter of fact.   I was so bad I almost blasted that nasty shit, fortunatly I was busted and that woke me up.  My parents were there for me and helped me through my withdrawls.  Ryan says he only does it once or twice a month but that is still too much to me.  I refuse to dog on him about it though because I know it is pointless unless they themselves want to quit.  I'm sure he will soon though, at least I hope.  Well, I didn't mean to write this much and am really tired now so I will stop for the evening. 

I am trying to take a semester of my college through Indepent courses at my sisters this semester because her husband is in the 101st Airborne Division over in Iraq.  He just finished a hardship tour over in Korea last year and now was sent to Iraq.  Just today we recieved news that he could be there until the international coalition forces replace them which will be in February or March.  That is such bullshit.  That means he would be over there for almost a year.  It sucks ass.  My sister and his kids need him here.  We are all very proud of him though because just yesterday the 101st killed Saddam's sons.  Damn straight about time.  Unfortunatly now we have to worry about his unit being targeted even more because of the deaths.  It is getting very scary and I am worried to death. I pray he returns home safely with all of his men in his unit soon.  It will be one hell of a party when he does too.  He is a great guy.  To boost his soldiers morale he is telling them all about me and how it will be my civil duty to service each of them when they get home.LOL.  My sister is going to send him some pictures to help out.  He is also interviewing all of his soldiers to find out who is in it for love and who is in it for ass.  With that kind of question they would be dumb to answer with the latter because my brother in law is being protective of me.  Well, anyways I just wanted to bitch about the extended stay and add how proud I am of my brother in law.  He is in our minds and hearts constantly.  We love him and all the military in Iraq fighting to rid this world of one less sick bastard and his sons. 

I met this man named Robbie a couple weeks ago.  I was at Burger King with my neice getting lunch and noticed him watching me.  I gave him a little smile and went about waiting for our food.  We were getting it to go and as we were walking out the doors I hear someone yell "hey".  Me being new here and not knowing anyone figured who ever it was they were not talking to me so I kept walking.  Then he said "Excuse me" and got my attention.  I was flabbergasted.  This guy is so hot and I know I am pretty good looking and am working on my self-image and self-esteem, but was still suprised he was talking to me.  We talked for a while as we walked to my sisters van.  He wanted my number but I did not have it memorized (stupid me) so when we got to the van I got it from my sister.  She was so excited for me.  She was like I can't even ask you to get us some lunch with out guys fallin' all over you.  I got a good laugh out of it.   She bet me he would call that night.  I bet he would wait three days before calling.  You know, "the three day rule". LOL.  Well, I was right he waited three days and called.  That is how it all started.  We began hanging out of and on.  He is a reservist in the army.  Well, anyways, lately he has been telling me he has all these feeling for me and such and honestly I am developing them too.  But my intuition tells me he is lying and I tend to listen to my intuition quite a lot now-a-days.  For one thing, once when I was at his house some girls knocked on the door and he wouldn't answer it, fine with me.  Then they stayed outside the place for like fifeteen minutes yelling obscenities and such, I couldn't really make it out.  When he explained them he just said some crazy bitches that won't leave him alone.  I didn't pry because we just met and it's not my place to talk.  It still sort of bothered me.  Also, when we were coming back on post the other day one of the MP's saw us together and she gave him a nasty look and turned away.  He said oh I think I pissed her off, she likes me.  What the hell am I supposed to think.  He is a incredibly good looking guy and could get any ass he wanted.  He says he only wants to be with me and such but I just don't believe him.  I am an Aries and love attention and need a lot of it.  He on the other hand is a Capricorn and they tend to be quite distant.  I text him at least once a day but he doesn't respond most of the time.  It really bothers me.  Then today my sister told me that the first time they talked she was bitchin about how she needs cock because her hubby is in Iraq for five months now, and he said he could help her out.  She was like I think yer to young for me and he came back with I've been with women who were thirty and over.  Come on now, that is my sister for crying out loud.  I didn't mean to start to actually like this guy, he was just supposed to be a booty call to get over my ex, which is a whole different story in itself.  Now that it has happened I am kicking myself in the ass, because he can be a real dick.  I am tired of being the one to initiate the phone calls and such.  It is supossed to be a two way street.  Today we were talking through text messages and I told him I wasn't going to call him anymore cause I  felt like I was a pain in his ass.  After a few texts he said he was tired of texting if I wanted to talk to him I could call him.  I told him I wouldn't for reasons already stated and he could call if and when he wanted to talk because he knows how to use a phone too.  Well, that was this morning, still no call.  Excatly why I won't call him.  I feel he really doesn't want to talk to me.  So I promised myself I will not contact him and it is so hard for me.  I just don't know what to do with this guy, he is really starting to piss me off, yet I still like to be around him and such.  Damn it life will go on.

Why are things the way they are?
I wished for upon that fateful star.
They say, careful what you wish for,
I had no idea what the stars had in store.
I'm tired of these stupid games,
I refuse to be just another name!
You are one reason I choose to stay,
Yet all you can do is push me away.
I can't stop thinking about you,
I'm addicted as the sun to the dew.
Why must it be this way,
Maybe I was wrong to stay.